You never can Dell

I was sent this in an email.



Brand promotion?

Yeah, because no one has ever heard of "Dell".

SkyMall

So I fly to Philadelphia in seat 1A. Now there are no first class seats on those small planes, but 1A sure sounds like a decent seat anyway. At least there won't be anybody leaning their seat back in front of me. Well, it turns out that 1A is probably the worst seat in the plane. Remember those old entertainment venues that had poles in strange places and they sold the seats behind them as "obstructed view"? Well, these could be considered obstructed seating. Seat 1A has a wall in front of it such that when I slid my feet as far back as they could go under my own seat (until they touched that underseat bar), there was no room between the end of my feet and the wall. Or as US Airways might call it, "a perfect fit".

Mercifully, that flight was only about 35 minutes. But the flight to Dallas is around 3 hours. How do you fill that kind of time? That's where SkyMall comes in.

If you take the Billy Mays (RIP) type stuff, but remove any shred of practically and any sense of affordability - that's Sky Mall. Sometimes technology is used for society's advancement. At SkyMall, technology is used for absolutely no observable purpose but to waste good money.

Here's a sampling of what I found in SkyMall:



This is just incredible - The things it can do for only $350! Oh wait, it only does one thing. But you can do it without a PC!! You know, a device that does many things. But then you'd have to buy a PC and a PC costs...like $300 or so.




Is it just me or does it look like this is in no way big enough for that dog? So we are talking $260. We had a plastic crate, and we just threw a decorative cloth over it. But maybe this $260 dog crate will actually save you money. Because KC ate every square inch of plastic inside our crate, and once your dog eats the inside of this thing, you may be looking for a new home for him.




"Hey Jimmy, your plant smells like shit for some reason!"




$350 so you can work in your car? A printer stand? No, thanks.



Why, oh why?




Do we need some kind of reminder as to the contents of the fridge. Look, it's a refrigerator shaped like a Coke can! There must be Coke inside! I am frequently disappointed when I open my white mini fridge and find that there aren't any sugar cubes inside.




Apparently, the old garden gnome is not useless (or expensive) enough. The market appears ready for the garden Yeti.




...and the Garden Zombie. What the hell? What other ridiculous garden stuff is out there?




Oh... well...these are actually kind of cool.

Dibs

Our dog Kimba died last year and we keep her "dust" in a cedar box in our bedroom. Elena asked what happened to the dust of her Great Uncle Joe, who died recently. We told her that he was buried instead.

"I want you to keep my dust", said Elena.

I told her that we'd hopefully die before she did. At this point, Donovan declared dibs on my dust and Elena called Michelle's dust.

I'm flattered. I think.

The Spring Creek Project

After Expedition Sewerest, the kids were still yearning for adventure. Under the bridge linking the park and "the Slurpee trail", we made a makeshift dam and skipped rocks into the impound. Downstream from the bridge, the creek continued through impenetrable forest, impassable but by water.



The kids' spirit of adventure was not going to allow this body of water to remain unexplored! So, back to the house again to get their sandals on. I wasn't going to be held responsible for getting a pair of new Hannah Montana shoes wet. They're virtually irreplaceable unless you can find a Wal-mart (or was it Kohl's?) in Plano. Either way, I wasn't going to take my chances.

We returned to the mouth of the raging river, this time geared up. As we began our trek, we noticed that someone had been through here before. A raccoon...and someone wearing Nikes.



I must admit that this is a pretty sweet area to be so close to the house (at least for North Texas standards - perhaps I have been here too long). But it's got a nice rock bottom and very little mud. Tons of minnows and a few frogs.



Alas, we came up on a pair of rare migratory fowl.



Perhaps we can tag them and track their movements, possibly naming this new species after ourselves. Just don't make any...



...sounds. Oh well, there went our ticket to fortune and fame. Elena said they were just regular ducks, but what does a 5 year old know about rare bird species, anyway?

We pressed on. A piece of metal conduit provided Donovan with a walking apparatus.



The water was getting deeper and deeper. I suspected Elena had contracted Malaria and gone mad.



The water got too deep at a point where we actually found some larger fish. Pirhana, I suspected. We turned back.

On the way back, we came upon a larger cave.



Maybe next time. At least my back likes the height of that one. But I'm going to kill the kid who keeps spray-painting peace signs!!! I'm not keen on the other graffiti either, but that's not nearly as ironic.

Expedition Sewerest

What does a Dad do when Mom is sick?

Well, I sell the kids on a decent-sized walk to the golden streets of QuikTrip, by regaling them with the legends of an entire wall lined with Freezoni flavors (those with a keen eye will recognize these as having the basic ingredients of a Slurpee - namely (1) colored stuff, (2) colored sugar, and (3) frozen sugar).

We make it to our destination after no fewer than 10 inquiries as to the relationship between our current position and that of Slurpee Heaven, better known as "Are we there yet?". Elena opts for Blue Raspberry. I went for the Orange Creamsicle. But we meet near catastrophe when it is discovered that Donovan's favorite Strawberry Banana is out! White Cherry saves the day and, along with a couple bags of chips, we are off again.

While crossing the bridge to return to Archgate Park on our way home, the kids point out a "cave" that they want to check out.



Sure, let's take a closer look inside. It can't hurt.



Oh, snap! Looks like we may need to move "the talk" up on the schedule a bit.

Elena points out that "there's a woman with a penis over there". Further investigation by Donovan finds these hieroglyphics...



..and he immediately fingers "Nick" as the culprit behind this noxious graffiti.

Elena determines that this Nick character "is mean to women and dogs". Dogs? Ah, yes, the one down on all fours - Certainly a mistreated dog! I wasn't going to try and correct any of these conclusions, as it seemed like a fine explanation to me. Donovan added that "teenagers are jerks!".

So we hit the trail and are off to check back on Mom and let her know that Dad didn't lose either of them. The kids really want to explore the tunnel and immediately start compiling a list of supplies needed for such a spelunking adventure.

Once we are home, Mom is still down for the count and doped up enough on meds that she doesn't object when we tell her that we are going to explore a sewer pipe.

I retrieve the backpack and Donovan loads up the supplies: Maglite, various toys, and two spinny light-up things from Disney World.

Soon we are back at the entrance, dressed in some older clothes to head off any Wrath of Mom which may occur later.



Time for an equipment check. The Maglite is spotty, but the Disney spinning toys are in tip-top condition.



So we light up, and I lead the way.



We passed a point where another pipe emptied into the main one. There was a cluster of maybe 50-100 Daddy Longlegs hanging out together. That was enough for Donovan and he headed back out. Elena wanted to keep going, so we continued on past another pipe and another cluster of DLs. And up in one of the joints was one of the (if not THE) largest roaches I have ever seen. We looked back and saw that the opening (and Donovan) was well out of sign since the pipe had been turning. We turned back and counted the pipe sections to come up with about 150 feet that we had gone into the pipe.



Elena wanted to go back in (always much braver than her older brother), but Dad's back couldn't take much more crouching.